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Post by ladymadonna on Sept 24, 2005 13:47:28 GMT
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Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Sept 25, 2005 11:18:55 GMT
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but thats about it.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot and they're always in your hair.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they take along time to get hard.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on the table.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Newborn Babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their c*ap.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Laxatives, they irritate the s**t out of you.
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Post by reg on Sept 25, 2005 12:05:52 GMT
Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
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Post by reg on Sept 25, 2005 12:09:39 GMT
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for £25," the clerk says. "£25?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 25, 2005 13:37:59 GMT
The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman #10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
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Post by specialk on Sept 25, 2005 14:07:14 GMT
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Post by ladymadonna on Sept 25, 2005 14:44:11 GMT
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Post by specialk on Sept 25, 2005 14:48:19 GMT
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Post by ladymadonna on Sept 25, 2005 15:05:28 GMT
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's *manhood*? A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common? A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common? A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say? A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their *manhood*es? A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company? A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common? A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
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Post by ladymadonna on Sept 25, 2005 15:06:55 GMT
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
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Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Sept 25, 2005 15:22:06 GMT
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 25, 2005 16:02:15 GMT
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