Jokes

[toasted]

Curious about a shiny object he sees in a shop, David Beckham asks what it is. The store assistant responds, "It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
So he buys the deluxe one. The next day, he takes it to training with him .His Spanish team mates jokingly ask him what it is.
He replies "It's a thermos." What's in it? they ask.
"Two cups of coffee and an ice cream,"he replies.

[CmonYouSpurs]

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

[Bizzie Lizzie]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities!.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time... - A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s ???t...

[toasted]

cmonyouspurs said:

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

OMG lol squeeky bottom time ;D

[toasted]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to f**k my brains out!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

[specialk]

hahahahahahahhahah hmmmmmmmmm no definately hahahahahahahhahahhaahah

[specialk]

hehehe you guys good jokes - just like to add to your list liz

how do yuo know when your boyfriend is well hung?

yuo can only fit one finger between the noose and his neck (maybe that should go into guys vs dolls)

[CmonYouSpurs]

toasted said:

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to f**k my brains out!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

lmao... ........

[Little*Chick*]

a blonde woman went into the libary ans said
"please can i have fish and chips please"
And the woman replied
"im sorry but this is a libary"
the blonde whispered
"please can i have some fish and chips please"

[toasted]

littlechick said:

a blonde woman went into the libary ans said
"please can i have fish and chips please"
And the woman replied
"im sorry but this is a libary"
the blonde whispered
"please can i have some fish and chips please"

hahahaha

[CmonYouSpurs]

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head in the doctor's office. All three are pregnant and conversing. Well, the brunette asks the red-head,"Do you know what you're having?" "I'm having a boy because I concieved while I was in the missionary possition." So then the red-head asks the brunette what she's having. "I'm having a girl because I was on top when I concieved." Then the brunette turns to the blonde and asks her what she's having and she says, "Uh oh, I think I'm going to have puppies!"

[toasted]

cmonyouspurs said:

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head in the doctor's office. All three are pregnant and conversing. Well, the brunette asks the red-head,"Do you know what you're having?" "I'm having a boy because I concieved while I was in the missionary possition." So then the red-head asks the brunette what she's having. "I'm having a girl because I was on top when I concieved." Then the brunette turns to the blonde and asks her what she's having and she says, "Uh oh, I think I'm going to have puppies!"

OMG lol