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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 19, 2006 21:27:28 GMT
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 20, 2006 22:10:56 GMT
Baddas joke moved from fun and games:
The Parrott.
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 27, 2006 18:31:38 GMT
DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN? Junior asks his dad, > > His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, well, your mom >and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via >e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded >room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as >I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a >firewall, and in those days there was no morning after delete button. > > "Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying her >operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a >self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine >months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: > > 'You've Got MALE!
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Post by specialk on Nov 1, 2006 13:07:16 GMT
Windows!
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"
She replies "15 inches."
He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains." The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"
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Post by reg on Nov 1, 2006 15:30:59 GMT
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my *manhood*" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans *manhood*. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 4, 2006 11:49:26 GMT
Grass hopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.
Bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named roger?"
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martin
Minor Meet God
Christmas comes early
Secret Spurs Fan
Posts: 871
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Post by martin on Nov 4, 2006 16:21:27 GMT
#confused0006#
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 7, 2006 10:47:12 GMT
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have >special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for >one >whole month." > The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the >Church. > When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the >husband is obviously very depressed. > "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. > "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from >sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. > The pastor asked him what happened. > "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain >through >sheer willpower. > The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to >abstain. > However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, >reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. >One >afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent >over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right >then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. > "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated >the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, > "We're not welcome at >Homebase either.
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Post by specialk on Nov 7, 2006 12:05:30 GMT
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
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martin
Minor Meet God
Christmas comes early
Secret Spurs Fan
Posts: 871
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Post by martin on Nov 7, 2006 20:57:45 GMT
typical blonde ( present company need not worry) #roflmao#
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Post by reg on Nov 10, 2006 11:41:31 GMT
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"..... The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!" Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 10, 2006 11:49:45 GMT
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