Post by baddabing on Apr 24, 2006 14:34:30 GMT
The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes
preface
Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo Jokes. Much talked about, but never revealed; until now. This presentation is the result of the tireless efforts of an International network of operatives who combed the earth (and beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make sure that this time we had the real thing: the definitive list of banjo jokes. Some withstood torture--and some paid the ultimate price: death. So important was our work that we persevered in spite of the obstacles.
Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution. Banjo jokes are jokes about banjo players, their music, their instrument, environmentalism, animal rights, human sacrifice, and interplanetary grave robbing. These jokes have never been told in their entirety because they are dangerously funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in their entirety.
We have taken great precautions to safeguard our health while compiling this list: each operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of the jokes (one not too large as to overcome the individual with so much mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.) As I typed these jokes, I was blindfolded: part of the jokes were related in various, and obscure languages and dialects, other parts written, and still other parts transmitted in Braille or Morse code.
Therefore, I caution you to do the following:
1. Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes if you have a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure.
2. Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If you find yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness, stop immediately.
3. If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours these jokes may cause serious health complications.
4. (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.
5. Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual intercourse while reading these jokes.
6. If you have any questions, please consult a physician before attempting to read these jokes.
Are you sure you want to read these jokes?
Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up?
Is it really worth the risks?
This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to the Complete PenUltimate List of 271 Banjokes.
These jokes will change (or end) your life. I cannot give you any guarantees as to how these jokes will affect you; it all depends upon your physical and psychological state (which I cannot know.)
Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the Canonical List of Banjo Jokes?
This is your last chance!! I mean it! Stop now before it's too late!
God help you and "May the Force be with you…"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locals or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Dedicated to the time & place that is the unique lifestyle of the banjo player of the '90s in Southern California and the excitement and freedom that it brings us--it's cheaper than therapy...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)…
Chain Saw:
a chain saw has a dynamic range.
you can turn a chain saw off.
South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley.
Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to:
complain that it's electric.
lament about how much they miss the old one.
complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way.
argue about what year it was made.
argue about how much it costs.
ask what tuning she's using.
stand around and watch.
10: one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done it better."
none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.
How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
100: One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it…
What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? Drool…
How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run.
What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road?
You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between a run over skunk [or frog] and a run over banjo player?
The skunk [frog] was on it's way to a gig.
How many banjo players does it take to eat a opossum? Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars.
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? By their names…
What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? A visitor.
What are flaming guitars good for?
Lighting banjos on fire.
Kindling.
Why are banjos better than guitars?
They burn longer.
What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
A flame-thrower.
What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo!
What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire.
What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
Banjo player/Comedian.
How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.
Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on? So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the banjo picker's favorite whine? "Play Dueling Banjos…"
Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple? That's so bass players can understand them too...
Where do banjo players play best?
In traffic.
In a galaxy far, far away…
How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?…
What is the most important aspect of banjo playing?…timing…
How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
Who Cares…
Applause.
What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand [or concrete]? Not enough sand. [Almost done.]
What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porsche.
How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle? Shine a light in her ears...
You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish? By adjusting it's scales…
Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors!
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles.
Why did the banjo player cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune? Their color of course!
How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
Jump up and down on them…If you get wine, you've got grapes!
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
"Yes, of course…"
"Great! I never could before…"
What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?
Measles--you can get rid of the Measles.
What should you do if you run over a banjo?
Back up…
When do banjo songs sound the best?
When they're over.
Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?
Because they can't pick on their fiddles.
Why does everyone pick on banjo players?
Because it's so easy!!!
Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players…naaaaaah.
There's not much between you and a fool is there?
"Just this here banjo…"
Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of obnoxious banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast? Guess so...
Listener: Can you read music?
Banjo player: Not enough to hurt my playing.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."
A banjo player walked into a bar…another banjo player walked into the bar…you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened to the first banjo player and ducked! [Under the bar.]
The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, Ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, Saint Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time…) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-Self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non)d*mned banjo player to make it up here!!"
Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of the day, "Hi! What's your IQ?"
"150," he said.
"Great," said Peter, as he showed the man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the Theory of Relativity for a while." He asked the next person, "What's your IQ?"
"120," she said.
"Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics." To the third person, he asked, "What's your IQ?"
"42," drawled the fellow.
"Fantastic!" cried Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who could help me perform a banjo duet!"
A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with the smartest kid in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What have you been up to?" he says. "I'm doing experimental brain research at the Salk Institute," replies the smart kid. Then, our hero sees another classmate of his, who never was very smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How are you doing? I've been meaning to ask you, What kind of picks are you using these days? Heard any good banjo jokes lately..."
Strummin on the ole...
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah…"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for fiddle player brain?"
"2 dollars an ounce."
"How much for mandolin player brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for guitar player brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for banjo player brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for several reasons. we found that banjo players are far more plentiful; the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; the Animal Rights Activists leave us alone; and there are some things even a rat won't do... However, sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a banjo player."
Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Banjo pickers: we tune because we care…
"I bought mine tuned."
Banjo players play requests by multiple-choice not fill-in-the-blank.
"You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't wipe your banjo on your pants."
"Anyone can play one of them things-all you need is three fingers and a plastic head"
The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building-you don't really need one.
Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they'll sink…
"Banjos are to music as Spam is to food…"
"He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo--his brain is disconnected…"
Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds Great!
"Second verse same as the first
A little bit faster and a little bit worse..."
Banjo rap:
Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams
How 'bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
Same d*mn song for three or four times.
Them banjo pickers all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and doe-see-doe.
Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things.
Them banjo pickers, them poker faced mugs
They never do smile, they just play Scruggs.
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it...
"The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo it always comes out so cheerful.
Doom, dispair, & agony on high...see you just can't do it." --Steve Martin
If you practice, tune, make a sound check, & sit down to play it's Folk music otherwise it's Bluegrass.
"Some people call this next song Cripple Creek--but they're wrong!"
I used to play banjo on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it!
After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play; however, your neighbors will pay you to stop.
"You can either laugh a little faster or I can tell the jokes a little slower…"
preface
Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo Jokes. Much talked about, but never revealed; until now. This presentation is the result of the tireless efforts of an International network of operatives who combed the earth (and beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make sure that this time we had the real thing: the definitive list of banjo jokes. Some withstood torture--and some paid the ultimate price: death. So important was our work that we persevered in spite of the obstacles.
Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution. Banjo jokes are jokes about banjo players, their music, their instrument, environmentalism, animal rights, human sacrifice, and interplanetary grave robbing. These jokes have never been told in their entirety because they are dangerously funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in their entirety.
We have taken great precautions to safeguard our health while compiling this list: each operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of the jokes (one not too large as to overcome the individual with so much mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.) As I typed these jokes, I was blindfolded: part of the jokes were related in various, and obscure languages and dialects, other parts written, and still other parts transmitted in Braille or Morse code.
Therefore, I caution you to do the following:
1. Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes if you have a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure.
2. Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If you find yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness, stop immediately.
3. If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours these jokes may cause serious health complications.
4. (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.
5. Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual intercourse while reading these jokes.
6. If you have any questions, please consult a physician before attempting to read these jokes.
Are you sure you want to read these jokes?
Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up?
Is it really worth the risks?
This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to the Complete PenUltimate List of 271 Banjokes.
These jokes will change (or end) your life. I cannot give you any guarantees as to how these jokes will affect you; it all depends upon your physical and psychological state (which I cannot know.)
Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the Canonical List of Banjo Jokes?
This is your last chance!! I mean it! Stop now before it's too late!
God help you and "May the Force be with you…"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locals or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Dedicated to the time & place that is the unique lifestyle of the banjo player of the '90s in Southern California and the excitement and freedom that it brings us--it's cheaper than therapy...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)…
Chain Saw:
a chain saw has a dynamic range.
you can turn a chain saw off.
South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley.
Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to:
complain that it's electric.
lament about how much they miss the old one.
complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way.
argue about what year it was made.
argue about how much it costs.
ask what tuning she's using.
stand around and watch.
10: one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done it better."
none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.
How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
100: One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it…
What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? Drool…
How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run.
What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road?
You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between a run over skunk [or frog] and a run over banjo player?
The skunk [frog] was on it's way to a gig.
How many banjo players does it take to eat a opossum? Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars.
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? By their names…
What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? A visitor.
What are flaming guitars good for?
Lighting banjos on fire.
Kindling.
Why are banjos better than guitars?
They burn longer.
What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
A flame-thrower.
What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo!
What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire.
What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
Banjo player/Comedian.
How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.
Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on? So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the banjo picker's favorite whine? "Play Dueling Banjos…"
Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple? That's so bass players can understand them too...
Where do banjo players play best?
In traffic.
In a galaxy far, far away…
How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?…
What is the most important aspect of banjo playing?…timing…
How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building?
Who Cares…
Applause.
What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand [or concrete]? Not enough sand. [Almost done.]
What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porsche.
How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle? Shine a light in her ears...
You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish? By adjusting it's scales…
Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors!
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles.
Why did the banjo player cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune? Their color of course!
How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
Jump up and down on them…If you get wine, you've got grapes!
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
"Yes, of course…"
"Great! I never could before…"
What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?
Measles--you can get rid of the Measles.
What should you do if you run over a banjo?
Back up…
When do banjo songs sound the best?
When they're over.
Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?
Because they can't pick on their fiddles.
Why does everyone pick on banjo players?
Because it's so easy!!!
Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players…naaaaaah.
There's not much between you and a fool is there?
"Just this here banjo…"
Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of obnoxious banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast? Guess so...
Listener: Can you read music?
Banjo player: Not enough to hurt my playing.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."
A banjo player walked into a bar…another banjo player walked into the bar…you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened to the first banjo player and ducked! [Under the bar.]
The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, Ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, Saint Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time…) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-Self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non)d*mned banjo player to make it up here!!"
Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of the day, "Hi! What's your IQ?"
"150," he said.
"Great," said Peter, as he showed the man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the Theory of Relativity for a while." He asked the next person, "What's your IQ?"
"120," she said.
"Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics." To the third person, he asked, "What's your IQ?"
"42," drawled the fellow.
"Fantastic!" cried Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who could help me perform a banjo duet!"
A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with the smartest kid in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What have you been up to?" he says. "I'm doing experimental brain research at the Salk Institute," replies the smart kid. Then, our hero sees another classmate of his, who never was very smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How are you doing? I've been meaning to ask you, What kind of picks are you using these days? Heard any good banjo jokes lately..."
Strummin on the ole...
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah…"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for fiddle player brain?"
"2 dollars an ounce."
"How much for mandolin player brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for guitar player brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for banjo player brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for several reasons. we found that banjo players are far more plentiful; the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; the Animal Rights Activists leave us alone; and there are some things even a rat won't do... However, sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a banjo player."
Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Banjo pickers: we tune because we care…
"I bought mine tuned."
Banjo players play requests by multiple-choice not fill-in-the-blank.
"You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't wipe your banjo on your pants."
"Anyone can play one of them things-all you need is three fingers and a plastic head"
The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building-you don't really need one.
Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they'll sink…
"Banjos are to music as Spam is to food…"
"He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo--his brain is disconnected…"
Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds Great!
"Second verse same as the first
A little bit faster and a little bit worse..."
Banjo rap:
Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams
How 'bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
Same d*mn song for three or four times.
Them banjo pickers all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and doe-see-doe.
Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things.
Them banjo pickers, them poker faced mugs
They never do smile, they just play Scruggs.
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it...
"The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo it always comes out so cheerful.
Doom, dispair, & agony on high...see you just can't do it." --Steve Martin
If you practice, tune, make a sound check, & sit down to play it's Folk music otherwise it's Bluegrass.
"Some people call this next song Cripple Creek--but they're wrong!"
I used to play banjo on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it!
After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play; however, your neighbors will pay you to stop.
"You can either laugh a little faster or I can tell the jokes a little slower…"
