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Jokes
Oct 18, 2005 10:36:23 GMT
Post by baddabing on Oct 18, 2005 10:36:23 GMT
naughty boy!
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2005 9:01:58 GMT
Post by reg on Oct 19, 2005 9:01:58 GMT
Three Old Men
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even c*ap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.
"Do you have trouble c*apping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I c*ap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and c*ap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2005 9:03:24 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 19, 2005 9:03:24 GMT
lmao #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# ;D
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2005 10:50:42 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 19, 2005 10:50:42 GMT
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2005 11:21:18 GMT
Post by specialk on Oct 19, 2005 11:21:18 GMT
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2005 12:14:36 GMT
Post by baddabing on Oct 19, 2005 12:14:36 GMT
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a *privates* Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "f**k off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".
The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".
"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight *privates*!"
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2005 22:53:06 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 19, 2005 22:53:06 GMT
#jump# #jump# #jump# #jump#
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2005 9:52:40 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 20, 2005 9:52:40 GMT
Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me" I was!" says Smartie,"But those Lockets are f***ing menthol".
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2005 17:21:01 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Oct 21, 2005 17:21:01 GMT
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries bout being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c ocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........
I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
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Jokes
Oct 24, 2005 17:43:11 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Oct 24, 2005 17:43:11 GMT
A thief in Paris decided to steal some paintings from the Louvre. He got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Groaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan ;D
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Jokes
Oct 24, 2005 17:46:39 GMT
Post by specialk on Oct 24, 2005 17:46:39 GMT
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Jokes
Oct 24, 2005 17:49:49 GMT
Post by specialk on Oct 24, 2005 17:49:49 GMT
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