Little*Chick*
'The Big Mini Mod'
Even better than my Mum
x..mwaw..x
Posts: 1,389
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Jokes
Oct 24, 2005 21:05:47 GMT
Post by Little*Chick* on Oct 24, 2005 21:05:47 GMT
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid." lolololol lmao
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Little*Chick*
'The Big Mini Mod'
Even better than my Mum
x..mwaw..x
Posts: 1,389
|
Jokes
Oct 24, 2005 21:08:22 GMT
Post by Little*Chick* on Oct 24, 2005 21:08:22 GMT
Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me" I was!" says Smartie,"But those Lockets are f***ing menthol". you and your flippin jely baby well well lmao it was gd 1 though
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Jokes
Oct 24, 2005 23:25:24 GMT
Post by toasted on Oct 24, 2005 23:25:24 GMT
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." ;D
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Jokes
Oct 28, 2005 17:49:25 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 28, 2005 17:49:25 GMT
#laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh#
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Little*Chick*
'The Big Mini Mod'
Even better than my Mum
x..mwaw..x
Posts: 1,389
|
Jokes
Oct 28, 2005 19:49:01 GMT
Post by Little*Chick* on Oct 28, 2005 19:49:01 GMT
a blonde phoned the firebrigabe and said "plz help my house if on fire" and the fireman said"how do we get there?" and the blonde said"HELLLOOOOO in the big red flammin truck"
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Jokes
Oct 28, 2005 21:00:03 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 28, 2005 21:00:03 GMT
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang .It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"
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Jokes
Oct 29, 2005 10:51:32 GMT
Post by t on Oct 29, 2005 10:51:32 GMT
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150. The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." ;D #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# good one toasted
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Little*Chick*
'The Big Mini Mod'
Even better than my Mum
x..mwaw..x
Posts: 1,389
|
Jokes
Oct 30, 2005 20:22:56 GMT
Post by Little*Chick* on Oct 30, 2005 20:22:56 GMT
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150. The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." ;D lmao thats a gd 1 hahahahaha
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Little*Chick*
'The Big Mini Mod'
Even better than my Mum
x..mwaw..x
Posts: 1,389
|
Jokes
Oct 30, 2005 20:23:53 GMT
Post by Little*Chick* on Oct 30, 2005 20:23:53 GMT
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang .It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!" lolololololol
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2005 20:50:25 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 31, 2005 20:50:25 GMT
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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Jokes
Nov 1, 2005 9:33:46 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 1, 2005 9:33:46 GMT
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice--picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Jokes
Nov 1, 2005 9:51:00 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 1, 2005 9:51:00 GMT
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh sure, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently checked each nipple. He pushes her breasts together against each other. After a minute of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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