Little*Chick*
'The Big Mini Mod'
Even better than my Mum
x..mwaw..x
Posts: 1,389
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Jokes
Nov 8, 2005 20:30:00 GMT
Post by Little*Chick* on Nov 8, 2005 20:30:00 GMT
i've got a couple of micheal jackson jokes there funny lol
What's brown and in a baby's diaper? Michael Jackson's hand!
What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning? Throw him a buoy!
What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? They're both old meat between 10 year old buns!
Michael's new group: The Jackson Five and Under!
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Jokes
Nov 8, 2005 22:36:47 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 8, 2005 22:36:47 GMT
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologies, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done,” the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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BURT
Almost a Player
Big Ugly Round Thing
Carolina Panthers
Posts: 16
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2005 17:10:10 GMT
Post by BURT on Nov 9, 2005 17:10:10 GMT
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2005 17:52:55 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Nov 9, 2005 17:52:55 GMT
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
" No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2005 17:53:44 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Nov 9, 2005 17:53:44 GMT
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2005 17:46:29 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 10, 2005 17:46:29 GMT
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2005 19:45:03 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Nov 10, 2005 19:45:03 GMT
Did you expect a laugh for that one ;D
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2005 20:03:37 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 10, 2005 20:03:37 GMT
Did you expect a laugh for that one ;D yes - well I thought it was funny hahahahah what about this one is it any better A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill ;D
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2005 21:12:00 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 10, 2005 21:12:00 GMT
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. Grrrrrrrrrrroooannnnnnnnnnnn ;D
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Jokes
Nov 11, 2005 8:26:42 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 11, 2005 8:26:42 GMT
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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Jokes
Nov 11, 2005 15:32:17 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 11, 2005 15:32:17 GMT
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.
A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.
The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!"
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Jokes
Nov 12, 2005 13:10:41 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 12, 2005 13:10:41 GMT
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a>> house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
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