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Jokes
Nov 12, 2005 17:55:11 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 12, 2005 17:55:11 GMT
#laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# shaggy dog stories
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BURT
Almost a Player
Big Ugly Round Thing
Carolina Panthers
Posts: 16
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Jokes
Nov 14, 2005 1:26:12 GMT
Post by BURT on Nov 14, 2005 1:26:12 GMT
Subject: TEACHING GOOD MANNERS During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one - "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go and pee." The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you Peter, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted.
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Jokes
Nov 14, 2005 7:56:44 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 14, 2005 7:56:44 GMT
hahahahaha #jump# #jump# #jump#
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Jokes
Nov 14, 2005 10:22:40 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 14, 2005 10:22:40 GMT
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Jokes
Nov 16, 2005 10:05:05 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 16, 2005 10:05:05 GMT
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublinpub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.
He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.
"Bejesus . I'm fockin' focked," says he. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the ! door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."
But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pi**ed, and how did you know?" . . . "Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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Jokes
Nov 16, 2005 10:07:31 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 16, 2005 10:07:31 GMT
lol #jump# #jump# #jump# #jump#
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2005 6:49:35 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Nov 17, 2005 6:49:35 GMT
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2005 9:21:54 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 17, 2005 9:21:54 GMT
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2005 16:28:13 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 17, 2005 16:28:13 GMT
#laugh# #laugh#
#jump# ...................if i had a hammer...i'd hammer in the morning #singingsmilie# #singingsmilie# #singingsmilie# #singingsmilie# #singingsmilie# #singingsmilie#
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Jokes
Nov 18, 2005 14:30:14 GMT
Post by toasted on Nov 18, 2005 14:30:14 GMT
Sadly, Dave was born without ears. Although he proved to be successful in business, his lack of ears really annoyed him. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears" came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman. She was even better than the first guy and he asked her the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said, stammering, "You have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was smart and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bl**dy ears!"
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Jokes
Nov 18, 2005 16:16:34 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 18, 2005 16:16:34 GMT
#jump# #jump# #jump# #jump# ear ear
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Jokes
Nov 18, 2005 17:07:05 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Nov 18, 2005 17:07:05 GMT
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."
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