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Jokes
Nov 18, 2005 17:10:29 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 18, 2005 17:10:29 GMT
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party." ummmmmmm.........i think this is funny i may use my poweres of edit ;D ;D
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Jokes
Nov 18, 2005 17:12:11 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Nov 18, 2005 17:12:11 GMT
OMG LMAO. Didnt even notice. Next we'll find out the Cabbies name is Greg #biggrinangelA#
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Jokes
Nov 18, 2005 17:14:58 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 18, 2005 17:14:58 GMT
OMG LMAO. Didnt even notice. Next we'll find out the Cabbies name is Greg #biggrinangelA# Greg as a cabby...........well he does like a chat
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Jokes
Nov 23, 2005 9:38:06 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 23, 2005 9:38:06 GMT
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly."In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . " "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
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Jokes
Nov 23, 2005 11:34:52 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 23, 2005 11:34:52 GMT
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Jokes
Nov 23, 2005 22:11:08 GMT
Post by t0t0r0 on Nov 23, 2005 22:11:08 GMT
dunno how jar jar bings speaks in the english version of star wars, but it sounded just like that in french
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Jokes
Nov 23, 2005 22:58:48 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 23, 2005 22:58:48 GMT
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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Jokes
Nov 24, 2005 13:22:44 GMT
Post by baddabing on Nov 24, 2005 13:22:44 GMT
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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Jokes
Nov 24, 2005 21:09:41 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 24, 2005 21:09:41 GMT
#jump# #jump# #jump# #jump# to both the above jokes very good
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Jokes
Nov 25, 2005 9:47:27 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 25, 2005 9:47:27 GMT
sorry this is so long but it did make me chukle
Things I Learned From Movies 1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a sc*apbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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Jokes
Nov 25, 2005 10:11:06 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 25, 2005 10:11:06 GMT
all so true #jump# #jump# love this one......28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2005 1:00:30 GMT
Post by toasted on Nov 27, 2005 1:00:30 GMT
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. #jump# Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!" His staff are stunned by this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands. Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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