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Jokes
Jan 6, 2006 9:53:06 GMT
Post by specialk on Jan 6, 2006 9:53:06 GMT
ewwwwwwwwwwwww lol
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2006 9:59:58 GMT
Post by specialk on Jan 6, 2006 9:59:58 GMT
Happy's picture in the caption thread reminded me of this which I dug up from somewhere
How to Hunt Elephants
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West. 4. During each traverse a. Catch each animal seen b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those who do.
Operations research consultants can measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."
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Jokes
Jan 9, 2006 22:59:42 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jan 9, 2006 22:59:42 GMT
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.
The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.
The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"
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Jokes
Jan 10, 2006 10:05:10 GMT
Post by specialk on Jan 10, 2006 10:05:10 GMT
lol #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh#
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Jokes
Jan 12, 2006 16:09:09 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jan 12, 2006 16:09:09 GMT
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
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Jokes
Jan 13, 2006 12:58:12 GMT
Post by specialk on Jan 13, 2006 12:58:12 GMT
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Jokes
Jan 14, 2006 18:06:37 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jan 14, 2006 18:06:37 GMT
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."
George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she’s lying on her back?"
George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"
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DarkStone
Player
Hated by many, Understood by few!
Posts: 29
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Jokes
Jan 14, 2006 19:09:45 GMT
Post by DarkStone on Jan 14, 2006 19:09:45 GMT
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your *manhood* is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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DarkStone
Player
Hated by many, Understood by few!
Posts: 29
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Jokes
Jan 14, 2006 22:10:16 GMT
Post by DarkStone on Jan 14, 2006 22:10:16 GMT
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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Jokes
Jan 14, 2006 23:40:50 GMT
Post by specialk on Jan 14, 2006 23:40:50 GMT
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Jokes
Jan 16, 2006 16:32:05 GMT
Post by specialk on Jan 16, 2006 16:32:05 GMT
If aol made cars.........
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it is the NEW model.
6. Every now and then, the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock- up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots' a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have five extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received three parking tickets, AOL would take the car from them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and give worse mileage.
17. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
18. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
19. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
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Jokes
Jan 16, 2006 16:38:22 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Jan 16, 2006 16:38:22 GMT
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player. does it,does it.........i want one
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