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Jokes
Oct 13, 2006 11:56:13 GMT
Post by baddabing on Oct 13, 2006 11:56:13 GMT
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn?t dance a single step!"
"Hmmm...." thought the duck?s former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2006 12:26:19 GMT
Post by specialk on Oct 13, 2006 12:26:19 GMT
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Jokes
Oct 27, 2006 18:27:59 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 27, 2006 18:27:59 GMT
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
I bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?" Here it comes.....
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2006 13:22:52 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 30, 2006 13:22:52 GMT
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: Can we have sex ?"
No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says "I can tell you how to have sex with her !"
Yeah?", says the hippie.
Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God"
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha!," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver .
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2006 11:13:30 GMT
Post by reg on Oct 31, 2006 11:13:30 GMT
What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving...
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends...
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martin
Minor Meet God
Christmas comes early
Secret Spurs Fan
Posts: 871
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Jokes
Nov 14, 2006 20:02:50 GMT
Post by martin on Nov 14, 2006 20:02:50 GMT
The Dead Rabbit >> >> >> >>A man is driving along a highway >>and sees a rabbit jump out >>across the middle of the road. >>He swerves to avoid hitting it, >>but unfortunately the rabbit >>jumps right >>in front of the car. >> >> >> >>The driver, a sensitive man >>as well as an animal lover, >>pulls over and gets out to see >>what has become of the rabbit. >> >> >> >>Much to his dismay, >>the rabbit is dead. >> >> >> >>The driver feels so awful >>that he begins to cry. >> >> >> >>A beautiful blonde woman >>driving down the highway >>sees a man crying on the >>side of the road and pulls over. >> >> >> >>She steps out of the car and >>asks the man what's wrong. >> >> >> >>"I feel terrible," he explains, >>"I >>accidentally hit this rabbit >>and killed it!" >> >> >> >>The blonde says, >>"Don't worry." >> >> >> >>She runs to her car >>and pulls out a spray can. >> >> >> >>She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, >>bends down, and sprays the contents >>onto the rabbit. >> >> >> >>The rabbit jumps up, waves >>its paw at the two of them >>and hops off down the road. >> >> >> >>Ten feet away the rabbit stops, >>turns around and waves again, >>he hops down the road another 10 feet, >>turns and waves, hops another ten feet, >>turns and waves, >>and repeats this again and again and again, >>until he hops out of sight. >> >> >> >>The man is astonished. >> >> >> >>He runs over to the woman and demands, >>"What is in that can? >>What did you spray on that rabbit?" >> >> >> >>The woman turns the can around >>so that the man can read the label. >> >> >> >>It says... >> >> >> >>(Are you ready for this?) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(Are you sure?) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(This is bad!!! ) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(You know you could just click off >>and not read the punch line....) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(You can still delete it) >> >> >> >> >> >>(You know you're gonna be sorry) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(Last chance) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(OK, here it is) >> >> >> >> >> >> >>It says, >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>"Hair Spray - >>Restores life to dead hair, >>and adds permanent wave."
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Jokes
Nov 15, 2006 11:05:33 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 15, 2006 11:05:33 GMT
#roflmao# #roflmao# #roflmao# #roflmao# #roflmao# #roflmao#
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Jokes
Nov 15, 2006 12:04:35 GMT
Post by reg on Nov 15, 2006 12:04:35 GMT
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running..."
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Jokes
Nov 16, 2006 11:26:19 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 16, 2006 11:26:19 GMT
those 2 should be in corny jokes #roflmao# #roflmao#
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Jokes
Nov 20, 2006 13:05:52 GMT
Post by specialk on Nov 20, 2006 13:05:52 GMT
A redhead and a blonde were out in town when the redhead spotted her fella in the flower shop. "oh no" she said to the blonde "he always has expectations after he has bought me flowers and I really don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air"
the blonde looks at her and says " don't you have a vase?...."
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Jokes
Nov 28, 2006 15:11:59 GMT
Post by reg on Nov 28, 2006 15:11:59 GMT
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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Jokes
Nov 29, 2006 9:00:55 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Nov 29, 2006 9:00:55 GMT
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