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Jokes
Sept 30, 2005 7:40:19 GMT
Post by specialk on Sept 30, 2005 7:40:19 GMT
hahahahahahahahahahah ;D ;D ;D ;D nice one burt
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2005 11:16:35 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 30, 2005 11:16:35 GMT
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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BURT
Almost a Player
Big Ugly Round Thing
Carolina Panthers
Posts: 16
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2005 13:38:11 GMT
Post by BURT on Sept 30, 2005 13:38:11 GMT
Are my testicles black? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,holds his *manhood* in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." The man slowly removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely: Are.... my... test...results...back?
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2005 13:47:33 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Sept 30, 2005 13:47:33 GMT
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BURT
Almost a Player
Big Ugly Round Thing
Carolina Panthers
Posts: 16
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Jokes
Oct 1, 2005 5:16:36 GMT
Post by BURT on Oct 1, 2005 5:16:36 GMT
A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been
one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green
every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex
with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous wom an enters the sanctuary. The
eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up
the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes
and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to
the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think
it's just the reflection from her shoes!"
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Jokes
Oct 1, 2005 6:08:05 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Oct 1, 2005 6:08:05 GMT
Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing ROFL ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Oct 1, 2005 9:12:18 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 1, 2005 9:12:18 GMT
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
#laugh# #laugh# #laugh# #laugh#
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Jokes
Oct 2, 2005 8:45:05 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 2, 2005 8:45:05 GMT
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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Jokes
Oct 4, 2005 18:15:34 GMT
Post by Bizzie Lizzie on Oct 4, 2005 18:15:34 GMT
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside th station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."The girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Jokes
Oct 5, 2005 8:31:13 GMT
Post by reg on Oct 5, 2005 8:31:13 GMT
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2005 14:28:24 GMT
Post by CmonYouSpurs on Oct 6, 2005 14:28:24 GMT
A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.
Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.
To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2005 9:44:49 GMT
Post by specialk on Oct 7, 2005 9:44:49 GMT
A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth. Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby. To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair. hehehehehehehhe now that made me howl as did this one A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS. "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!" CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.!" SAYS THE HUSBAND: "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED, SCARING THE KIDS ;D ;D
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