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Jokes
Feb 19, 2007 17:15:58 GMT
Post by specialk on Feb 19, 2007 17:15:58 GMT
A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed! "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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martin
Minor Meet God
Christmas comes early
Secret Spurs Fan
Posts: 871
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Jokes
Feb 23, 2007 22:29:21 GMT
Post by martin on Feb 23, 2007 22:29:21 GMT
#roflmao# #roflmao#
Good 1 K #thumb#
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Jokes
Mar 7, 2007 10:48:12 GMT
Post by reg on Mar 7, 2007 10:48:12 GMT
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriends Christmas present. As they had'nt been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. He went with his girlfriend's sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers, Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-
Dear Sasha, I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister i would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them, I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Ron.
P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
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Jokes
Mar 28, 2007 9:22:17 GMT
Post by specialk on Mar 28, 2007 9:22:17 GMT
Smart blonde? You decide Amy, a blonde Colorado girl from Denver marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be anotherditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred? That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2007 9:25:15 GMT
Post by reg on Mar 29, 2007 9:25:15 GMT
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2007 11:39:09 GMT
Post by specialk on Mar 31, 2007 11:39:09 GMT
hahahahahah that really made me laugh
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2007 9:29:38 GMT
Post by reg on Apr 11, 2007 9:29:38 GMT
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced:
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces > > >
.................. "*censored*!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior citizens centre
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2007 9:30:40 GMT
Post by reg on Apr 11, 2007 9:30:40 GMT
Little Jacob O'Toole runs up to his Granddad, Old Seamus O'Toole and asked, "Grandpa, can you croak like a frog"?
"Begorrah," says Old Seamus, "that I can......ribbit, ribbit, ribbit".
Little Jacob started to cheer wildly and, throwing his arms around his Granddad, thanked him over and over again.
"Goodness gracious," says Seamus, "now why on Heavens name is this such a big deal".
"Well" says Jacob excitedly, "'Cuz Mummy said that as soon as Grandpa croaked we could go to Disneyland"
Out of the mouths of babes.......
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2007 12:41:14 GMT
Post by specialk on Apr 11, 2007 12:41:14 GMT
heheheheeh bless them
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Jokes
Apr 12, 2007 12:24:33 GMT
Post by big sheep on Apr 12, 2007 12:24:33 GMT
Q: What do you call a man in a raincoat? A: Mac
Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats? A: Max
Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats in a cemetary? A: Max Bygraves
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Jokes
Apr 27, 2007 9:59:02 GMT
Post by reg on Apr 27, 2007 9:59:02 GMT
BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP
AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE
WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES: "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE *manhood*PIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE
ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY, SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES: "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS: "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED
TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS: "OH,
I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO
MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.
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martin
Minor Meet God
Christmas comes early
Secret Spurs Fan
Posts: 871
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Jokes
May 1, 2007 18:23:00 GMT
Post by martin on May 1, 2007 18:23:00 GMT
#roflmao# #roflmao# #roflmao#
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